Wow.

So, thanks to the handy little voice-to-text feature on the new iPhone, I have been able to quickly record little notes for myself regarding the things Ava has said in the past week. And it's a lot. I don't know if she's just on a roll, or if she's always this amusing and I don't realize it because I never recorded this much of it before. Anyhow...

Me: "Ava, you're so pretty!"

Ava: (proudly) "And SNEAKY!"

**********

Me: "Go Bears!"

Ava: "GO EAGLES! I like the Eagles. Eagles live in the forest."

Me: "Um...yeah, Bears live in the forest, Ava."

Ava: "Oh! Haha! I was just kidding, go Bears!"


(I am not sure how she's deciding which team to cheer for--my Bears or Craig's Eagles--but I suspect she seems to prefer the Eagles because 1. she knows it annoys me, and 2. she thinks eagles are cool, forest-dwelling creatures. Seems legit.)

**********

Ava: "Mommy, are we aliens?! With three hands???"

Me: "No."

Ava: "Oh, okay."

**********

I was asking Ava where her Tinkerbell doll's dress was, because it was freaking me out that Tink was sitting there on her dresser, buck naked, with the other princesses (who had also been naked until I found their dresses for them). She decided to go on a mission to find the dress, and began by rooting around in my makeup drawer.

Ava: (brandishing a makeup brush like a sword) "THIS MAKEUP BRUSH WILL PROTECT US!"

Me: "From what?"

Ava: "The MONSTERS! In the CLOSET!"

Me: "They're afraid of makeup brushes??"

Ava: "YES!"

She proceeds to run into my closet and comes out with Tinkerbell's dress. I have NO IDEA what it was doing in there. Mission accomplished, I guess.

*********

Me: "Oooh Ava, look at those trees! Look at all the beautiful colors of the leaves!"

Ava: "I'm going to rip all the branches off so you can't look at them!"

Me: "Well, that was kind of ugly and unnecessary."

Ava: (in a sing-song voice) "You forgot the spoo-oon, now it's too la-ate, you ca-an't spank me! HA HA!"

Me: "Um, yeah, I wasn't going to spank you for saying that you were going to rip the branches off of trees, but whatever..."

**********

We were listening to a CD of lullaby hymns in the car, my mom's friend sent it for CJ and both kids find it particularly soothing.

Ava: "Oh, Mommy, they said "God!" This song is about God!"

Me: "Yes, you're right, it's a song about God, honey."

Ava: "God is in our hearts."

Me: "Awww, that's so sweet...yes, He is!"

Ava: "I want a Barbie doll."

Me: "..."

**********

Me: (we are in the car) "Ava, please stop kicking your legs."

Ava: "I can't help it, it's my legs! They have to jump!"

Me: "Wow."

**********

Ava: "Oh no! I forgot my phone at home! (pulls out a little plastic horse from her purse) I guess I'll just have to use my horse phone! ("dials" a number on the horse's side and then puts it up to her ear) "Oh, hi! How are you? (pause) We're good! Just out doing an errand! Okay bye!"

**********

Craig: "Ava, if you have one and then you have two more, how many do you have?"

Ava: "Three!"

Craig: "Oh my goodness, that is SCARY. How does she know that? How is she that smart?!"

Me: (I'm pretty sure it's coincidence, because he said one and two, so she just followed with three, so I test her with my own math problem) "Ava, if you have two, and then you add three more, what do you get?"

Ava: (pauses to think) "Pudding!"

Craig: *facepalm*

**********

Ava: (hides her hands behind her back) "Oh my goodness, WHERE ARE MY HANDS???? I think I left them in the forest!"

**********

Me: "Ava look over at CJ, is he asleep?"

Ava: "Nope! He's just chillin'."

**********

Ava: "Mommy, sit down right now or I'll touch your butt with a screwdriver!"

Me: "Jeez Ava, what the heck? Why on earth would you say that? That's really weird!"

Ava: "Haha! Yeah, that's the worst thing I ever said!"

**********

Ava: (sighs) "I wish trees would walk around and talk..."

**********

Ava: "My brain is in my head. It protects my head, it keeps it from falling off."

Me: "Ohhhkay....your brain protects your head?"

Ava: "Yes...so you need to stop talking so much! IT MAKES MY BRAIN HURT!"

**********

Ava now belts out the chorus to "Livin' on a Prayer" frequently...except instead of "Take my hand/and we'll make it, I swear" she thinks it's "Take my HAIR"...this makes me laugh. A lot.

Queen of the Swingset

We were playing in the "tower" on Ava's swingset today (part of the reason I'm so sore...I'm seriously too old to be doing that) and she made a crown out of my belt, put it on my head, and said, "There! Okay, you're the Princess Queen!" Then she shoved me down the slide and yelled, "NOW GO MARRY A KING!"

**********

Ava: (playing with a little plastic lion she got at the dentist's office) "What does this thing DO?? I thought it would roar or something!"

Me: "Ava. It's a tiny little plastic lion. Why on earth would you think it was going to roar?"

Ava: "Yeah. And it doesn't shoot fire either."

Me: "Ummm...what?"

Ava: "Haha! No, lions don't eat fire! What do they eat, Mommy?"

Me: "What do you think they eat?" (This was not said in a sarcastic way, I was trying to see if she actually knew what lions ate.)

Ava: "Meat. They eat meat. What kind?"

Me: "Oh, I don't know. Zebras, antelope, elephants..."

Ava: "Awww, that's MEAN! I like elephants, they're nice! They have babies, and they lay eggs!"

Me: "Wait, what? Did you just say that elephants lay eggs?"

Ava: "HAHA, yeah...just kidding!"

Princess Castles

Ava is very destructive. I know everyone thinks that destructiveness is just a little boy thing but I assure you, it is not. Anyhow, she was about to destroy something else the other day (in the car, so I was powerless to stop her) and this is the resulting conversation:

Me: "AVA. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. If you break that, I will take money out of your piggy bank to pay for it!"

Ava: (wailing) "Noooooo! Mommy you can't take my piggy bank! I'm saving my money for a princess castle!"

Me: "Oh, for your dolls?"

Ava: "No, for me! I need to buy a princess castle to live in!"

Me: "You are going to use your piggy bank money to buy an actual castle....?"

Ava: "YES!"

Me: "Who's going to live there with you?"

Ava: "YOU ARE!"

Me: "Oh. Thanks. So I guess you better stop destroying things so you can get your castle, huh?"

Ava: "Okay! I'm sorry!"

**********

Ava was watching the cartoon "Oswald" on Nick Jr. It's about an octopus that lives in a city, not underwater, and the characters totally give me the creeps. Anyhow...

Ava: (whispering to herself, sounding both fascinated and disturbed) "Oswald...doesn't have a nose????"

Apparently, he does not. But she fixated on this and seemed pretty worried. You really had to be there I guess...

**********

Ava: (Licks my leg for no apparent reason)

Me: "Ava, that is DISGUSTING. DO NOT LICK ME!"

Ava: "Well, it wasn't me! My tongue just wanted to lick something!"

**********

Ava: (Out of her seat at the dinner table for about the fifth time)

Me: "Go back to your seat right now, young lady, or you are going to get popped on your butt!"

Ava: (Goes back to her seat) "Mommy! Can you move that chair? I can't see the TV!" (yeah, we don't normally watch TV during dinner but I was feeling a little lazy today)

Me: "Ava, you are a big girl, you can move it yourself."

Ava: "No, I can't. You told me to stay in my seat."

Me: "You are right. I did. Thank you, I'll go ahead and move that chair for you..."

Ava +1, Mommy +0

**********

Ava: "I'm sick, I have a fever!"

Me: "No, you do not."

Ava: "Yes I do! And it's ALL YOUR FAULT! You talk at me too much and it gave me a FEVER!"

Me: "..."

**********

Craig: (in the daily video he sent to Ava this evening) "Go Eagles!"

Me: (speaking to the video) "No, GO BEARS!"

Ava: (with a very ornery look on her face) "GO EAGLES!"

Me: "Oh, Ava...you are not my child."

Ava: "And you are not my mother!"


**********

Translating Ava-Speak:

1. "gonuts" = donuts

2. "hotted chips with cheese" =  nachos (she refers to heating things up or setting them on fire as "hotting" them)

3. "ambleeance" = ambulance

4. "ridicleeus" = ridiculous

Guarding the Baby

"I have a sword at my house! And if any bad people try to take CJ, I WILL USE MY SWORD AND SEND THEM TO JAIL!"

**********

Ava: "How old are you, Mommy?"

Me: "Thirty-two."

Ava: "Oh, good! You're old enough to watch a movie about sharks!"

Me: "Great!"

**********

Lately, Ava has become convinced we are growing a giant pumpkin in our backyard. She talks about it every day. Today, she said, "We have to invite my friend Emily over! You need to take a picture of us on the giant pumpkin!"
Yes, the pumpkin that does not exist.

It's been awhile.

Once again I have forgotten more of Ava's funny moments than I've remembered, but these days, logging in to the computer and updating is just not possible very often. Starting to wonder if I should do a Twitter account (I currently do not have one) and just tweet it every time she says something. ;o) Thoughts? Better or worse idea than a blog? Anyhow, here ya go....

**********

Ava was doing something bad. I don't remember what. I think throwing food. 

Me: "Ava!! Stop that RIGHT NOW. Do you want a spanking???"

Ava: "Fine. Spank me. Just don't call me a hamster!"

Craig and me, in unison: "HAMSTER!!!"

I have no idea--NO IDEA--what prompted that.

**********

Me: "Ava, when we go to Mimi's house, we're going to the pumpkin farm!"

Ava: "The pumpkin farm? That's REE-DIC-LEE-US!"

**********

On a cold morning, while driving in the car...

Me: "Oh, look at that horse in that field, he's wearing a jacket!"

Ava: "Jack? What? I thought his name was Bullseye!"

Me: "No, not Jack...jacket. The horse is wearing a jacket."

Ava: "His name is Bullseye!"

Me: "JACKET. JACKET. Like a coat. Not Jack."

Ava: "So that one isn't Bullseye?"

Me: "Nevermind..."

**********

Ava: *says something funny*

My mom: "Ava, you are a character!"

Ava: "Mimi, you are a lunatic!"

**********

My dad: (talking to CJ, tickling his fat little baby legs) "Look at those little drumsticks!"

Ava: (apparently not sure what my dad is referring to when he says "drumstick") "Not drumsticks...it's called the "penis", Papa."

**********

Me: (playing outside on the hammock with Ava) "Quick! Climb up, there are sharks down there!"

Ava: (looking down at the ground from up on the hammock.) "No, no sharks. It's just mulch."

**********

Me: (I pull my sweatshirt up over my mouth and make Darth Vader noises)

Ava: "NOOOO! That's too scary for me--I'm just a little kid! I'm only three!"

**********

That's all for now....I'll try not to be so long between posts, goodness knows she says enough amusing things to write a post a day! ;o)

Paging Dr. Ava

Earlier today, we were on the phone with my mom...

Me: "Ava, do you want to go to the hospital with Mimi and see where she works?"

Ava: "Yes!"

Mimi: "Do you want to help me take care of the sick kids?"

Ava: "Yes, I want to take their hearts!"

My mom and I were almost crying...I pretty sure she confused listening to their hearts (which she likes to do to people with the stethoscope my mom gave her) with taking their temperatures (something else she enjoys doing)...it's either that or we are going to have to start calling her Hannibal.

**********

I bought Ava a little mesh bag of chocolate pumpkins today at Fresh Market...

Ava: "Here Mommy, this piece of chocolate is for you!"

Me: (kind of surprised, as Ava isn't into sharing food) "Aww, thank you, honey! What's this for?"

Ava: "It's for doing a good job!"

Not sure what exactly I was doing that was so good, but it was a sweet gesture. And good chocolate. ;o)

**********

Remember the dead butterfly from a couple of weeks ago? Ava found him again...

Ava: "Look, it's my little butterfly friend! He's feeling better today!"

Me: "Um, no, sorry, he's still dead."

Ava: "Well...he's feeling a little better?"

**********

Me: "Ava, it says on your weekly report from school that you guys had a veterinarian come in and talk to you! That's so cool! What did they talk about?"

Ava: "Oh, they said I could play with the animals!"

Me: "What kind of animals?"

Ava: "Bears. And lions."

**********

This actually happened a few months ago but for some reason, it popped into my head today: we were driving somewhere and as usual, the roads were full of idiot drivers...

Me: "Oh. you idiot!!!"

Ava: "Mommy, you shouldn't say that."

Me: "Yeah, you're right, honey, it isn't nice to--"

Ava: "You should say, 'FREAKIN' JERK!"

Me: "Well, no....Mommy shouldn't call anybody any names."

Holy crap....yeah, she got it from me, oops! Lesson learned, the most I do now is say, "Are you kidding me?!" to the idiot drivers...

It's magic!

Ava: "Mommy, I want a magic wand!"

Me: Ava, you have a few already...you have the one that lights up, and you have a couple others."

Ava: (sighs, like she's trying really hard to be patient with me even though I clearly don't get it) "Those are pretend! I need a real magic wand!"

Me: "Oh. Well, okay then. I'll see what I can do about that..."

Ava: "Thank you!"

**********

Ava: "I want some apple juice."

Me: "Ava, I do not have any in the car. We are not going anywhere that sells it. You will have to wait until we get home."

Ava: (working herself into a near-tantrum) "I WANT APPLE JUICE!!!! I WANT SOME RIGHT NOW!"

Me: "AVA. CALM DOWN. I do not have any apple juice! I can't just magically make some appear!"

Ava: "But I don't want MAGIC apple juice, just REGULAR apple juice!!!!"

***********

Ava: "Today at school the policeman visited us!"

Me: "Oh that's nice! A man or a woman?"

Ava: "Just a man."

Me: "What did he talk about?"

Ava: "He told us about dangerous things! And he locks up bad guys and puts them in jail. So I told him about Chopper!* And then he told us about his shoot-gun. He uses it to be safe from the animals in the woods."

Me: "Oh, he uses his gun on....animals? In the woods?"

Ava: "Yes. And bugs. There are bugs in the woods....BIG ones."

*Chopper is a mean train or something in one of the Thomas the Tank Engine movies. I'd really like to know what Ava said to the policeman regarding Chopper....or if there was a policeman to begin with. Maybe it was all in her head...

**********

Ava: "What are hot dogs?"

Me: "I don't know. They're meat or something."

Ava: "MMMMMMM.....MEAT!! I love meat! Can you buy me meat?"


I should point out, Ava doesn't eat meat, other than eggs. Occasionally I can get her to eat my homemade meatballs or some Chick-Fil-A nuggets, but that's it.)

**********

Ava: "Owwwww! Stop it, CJ!" (She was downstairs on the couch. CJ was taking a nap up in his crib. Unless he has an Ava voodoo doll, I have no idea what was going on.)

Karma

As usual, I've been running around like a crazy person and haven't updated, thus forgetting more of Ava's recent humorous moments than I remember...but here's what I've got...

**********

Ava sometimes gets angry at me and will lash out and hit/pinch/bite (in response to CJ getting "too much" attention, like when I'm feeding him). Occasionally she'll try to hurt me and inadvertently hurt herself, so I--being a mature adult--have sometimes reacted by saying, "Oooooh! Karma!" So now Ava uses that word, but doesn't quite understand it: for example, she'll trip and fall (not trying to attack me, just walking or playing) and then she'll yell, "KARMA!" Or she'll randomly leap at me and yell it.

**********

Me: "Ava, tomorrow my friend is coming over and she's bringing her little boy over to play with you!"

Ava: "Oh, that's WONDERFUL! He's my best friend!"

Me: "You haven't met him yet, sweetie."

Ava: "But he's my best buddy! He's a little boy, just like me!"

Me: "Yeah, you're not a boy."

Ava: "Oh. Haha! I'm a girl! (pause) Does he have feet like me?"

Me: "Um, yes, I'm quite certain he has feet."

Ava: "And hands? And a face?"

Me: "Yes, I'm positive he has hands and a face."

Ava; "Oh, okay!"

**********

Ava: "I'm going to step on a squirrel!"

Me: "Why?"

Ava: "TO MAKE HIM DEAD!"

(She doesn't know what that means, I think she just thinks it means injured. Kind of disturbing either way...)

**********

speaking of dead...

Me: "Ooooh, Ava! Look at this little butterfly on the driveway! He's so cute!" (too late I realize it's dead) "Aw, nevermind honey. He's dead. Let's put him over here in the plant."

Ava: "I'm going to share my Popsicle with the butterfly! He's my little butterfly friend!"

Me: "Oh, he is? What's his name?"

Ava: "Little Butterfly Friend."

(A few minutes later)

Ava: "I'm going to talk to my butterfly friend for ten minutes! Then he's going back into the woods!"

**********

Ava: (talking to her brother) "CJ, I love you, you cute little boy! You can stay with us forever!"

**********

Ava: (mad at me for scolding her for not cooperating at bedtime) "Fine! I'm not sharing my cupcakes with you! You can't have any cupcakes OR any water! Hmph!"

Me: "Where are you going to get the cupcakes?"

Ava: "From the store!"

Me: "Really? Who's going to get them for you?"

Ava: "You are!"

Me: "So...I'm going to have to go to the store and get the cupcakes, and then you won't give me any?"

Ava: "YES!"

Me: "Alrighty then."

I forgot to put this one on yesterday's post...

Ava: (throws her sippy cup of milk to the floor) "THERE WILL BE NO MILK AT DINNER TONIGHT!!"


Yes, she was disciplined because throwing things, especially milk at dinner, is not acceptable. But the way she dramatically made that declaration, like she was starting a revolution, was HILARIOUS.

Ava must have been having some insane dreams last night: when I walked into her room this morning to see if she was awake, she woke up and said to me:

"Mommy, look at the rainbow on my foot! I caught it, I caught it with my foot!"

**********

Me: "Ava, let's go downstairs and have breakfast and get ready for school. Your teachers said that today you are going to get a folder to decorate!"

Ava: "What? No! We can't do that!"

Me: "Um, why not?"

Ava: "We can't decorate that, it's a big rock!"

Me: "What on earth are you talking about?!"

Ava: "We can't decorate a boulder!"

Me: "Folder, Ava. FOLDER. Not boulder..."

**********

Ava: (Sees a fire truck idling in an otherwise empty parking lot) "What is that fire truck doing?"

Me: "I don't know. Nothing. Just chilling out, I guess."

Ava: "Are they waiting for some people to catch on fire?"

Me: "Maybe...?"

**********

"Mommy, you were right! Chick-fil-A does help me poop!"


(I never, ever said Chick-fil-A food would help her poop. I have absolutely no idea where on earth she got that from. But she was pretty happy about the apparent laxative effect of her lunch. Okay then.)

**********

"So Mommy, how are your eyebrows doing today?"

Target Tantrum

Today, we went to the mall and then to Target...it was somewhat rainy and we needed to get out of the house for sanity's sake and to give Craig some peace and quiet so he could get work done. Both kids held up pretty well until the end of the Target trip...I would not let Ava out of the cart (she likes to look at the little toys they put on display in the checkout line--JERKS--but then she won't get back in the cart and usually ends up running around like a lunatic). Anyhow, she started to have a huge fit just as we hit the parking lot...she was screaming and crying because I wouldn't let her out. This conversation occurred as I was wrangling her into her car seat:

Ava: "LET ME OUT!!! I WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM HERE! I DON'T WANT TO STAY WITH YOU ANYMORE!"

Me: (trying to pin her down and strap her into the car seat) "No, I am not letting you run around in the parking lot. Too bad."

Ava: (struggling, screaming, and crying) "I WANT TO RUN AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Me: "I have too many groceries in the car...my ice cream is going to melt. I'll tell you what: let's go home so I can put away the groceries, and then I'll bring you back up here and you can run away from me then."

Ava: (calms down considerably) "Okay. We can do that."

Me: "So that's okay then? We can take the groceries home and then you can run away?"

Ava: "Okay!"


Well. Glad we found a solution we could agree upon. (Obviously I did NOT bring her back to Target so she could run away from home, she forgot all about it. She also forgot about her plan to sleep outside on the porch tonight, which she talked about the whole way home and was apparently part of the original plan to run away.)

**********

Me: "Ava, can you (insert what I am asking her to do here) please?"

Ava: "Yes, your Majesty!"

I blame the Disney princess movies...she's not being sarcastic, which is the funny part.

**********

Me: (playing with CJ, making him "dance," which always makes him smile and laugh)

Ava: "Mommy! Make CJ raise the roof!"

Ava has been very into using the word "father" lately. She's keeps saying things like, "Where is my father?" and, "I'm going to upstairs to see my father!"

Today she said to me, "Mommy, I am NOT your father!"

Um...thanks for the news flash, Darth Vader...

Actually, come to think of it, she is into using all of the proper family names: father, mother, son, and daughter. Only she uses "son" and "daughter" interchangeably, and she has informed me on several occasions that she is my son. We're working on it.

**********

Ava: "Mommy, let's talk."

Me: "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

Ava: "About how CJ got out of your tummy."

Me: (I pause, considering how much information a 3-year-old needs/can understand) "The doctors took him out."

Ava: "Oh, okay!"

By Popular Request

Everybody always says I should write a book about the funny things my 3-year-old daughter says. They may have been humoring me, but be careful what you ask for...I done did it now! ;o) Okay, not a book, but a blog...even if Ava isn't nearly as amusing to others as she is to me (for heaven's sake, I'm her MOM...don't we all think our kids are hilarious?), I decided I wanted to record all of these little Ava-isms so I can look back on them later. Enjoy!


Me: (while making breakfast with Ava): "Ava, you'll need to get out a bigger bowl for mixing the pancakes."

Ava: "Aye aye, Captain!"

**********

Me: Removing Ava's shirt before dinner so she doesn't stain it with spaghetti sauce

Ava: "MOMMY! COVER UP MY BOOBS!"

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Me: "Ava! What did I tell you about unraveling the toilet paper?! Look at the mess you made!"

Ava: "I did NOT do that. That toilet paper did that to ITSELF." Muttering under her breath: "Rolling around all over the place..."

**********

Ava: "Mommy! You put on some panties! Good job!"

(Please note: I ALWAYS wear panties. Apparently Ava is proud of me for being able to dress myself.)

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Me: (after fixing myself up for the day): "Ava, how do I look?"

Ava: (looks me over) "You need to put on some more makeup."

Me: (pretending to put some on with a makeup brush) "Okay, how's that?"

Ava: "Oh, you look BEAUTIFUL!"